Frustrations

Each night this weekend has been getting worse and worse. I just want to cry for days. Up to this point, I’ve easily managed my way through life. School has always been easy for me. Sure i’ve had those late nights working on big essays or studying for tests, but never have I had those nights as consistently as now. I thought senior year was supposed to be easy, a breeze.

That is not true. Never have I had more to do at one time, never have I felt this awful about my abilities. At the end of junior year I thought I was set. I had made it through one of the most well-regarded public high schools in the country with straight A’s. Now, I’m beginning to question if I can simply scramble together the bare minimum requirements of each assignment. I don’t understand why teachers are doing this to us. I have never had more assignments to do. Part of the reason I decided not to apply early decision anywhere is because I simply have NO TIME to write the essays or prepare the application. This is NOT how the college process should be. College is more important that a stupid 6 page research essay on the spread of Proto-Indo-European language. Honestly, wtf. The fact that assignments like that paper, or 10 poetry journal entries, or a 5 page participation paper, or a four hundred page book could mean the difference between ending up at a school I want to go to vs ended up at a school I reluctantly choose after not getting into any of my top choices is just so stupid.

You all are probably thinking, why not just not do the assignments and do the college stuff instead?  But I simply cannot do that. Its impossible for me to not do my homework. Up to this point it was been a blessing, but now I’m finding it to be a cruel gift.

Im just so confused and dont understand how I can be making one of the biggest decisions of my life right now. I’m not old enough. I don’t know enough. I can’t think clearly. I don’t know what to do with my life. Everything is falling apart before my very eyes. I just want to be in college, out of high school, in a new place, with new people, not high school.

Something weird has been up with me since the start of the school year. I feel less passion for school, which is bizarre because I’ve never been the type to hate learning. I enjoy it, I know how important it is. Now, however, I much rather be with my friends. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, but I just want to be around others. Even with everything I just said about being so frustrated with my schoolwork, I still enjoy going to school. I love seeing the people in my classes. I love chatting with them, I love being a part of my school. I’ve been more outgoing and social this year, less reserved and awkward which is such a huge step for me. I’m so happy about this and this is what has kept me going.  Even just writing about this has dried up my tears and put a slight grin on my face.

As much as I just want to say f*** it, I know I have to keep going. I need to push through the remaining quarter (plus two weeks) of first semester. My grades still matter. But so does having fun. I need balance in my life. Ughhh that brings me to the whole other topic of what college I should go to. I’ll try to keep this short but basically I’m a good enough student to have a fair shot at getting into some of the country’s best schools. However, this means entering the pressure cooker of what is the ivy leagues or slightly lesser universities. While there is a social scene at all colleges, with my plans on studying engineering I feel like at the most prestigious schools I won’t have a life. And I don’t want that to be the way it is. I want balance. This is why I couldn’t decide anywhere for ED. My dream school is Dartmouth… well, kind of. It used to be. Now i’m beginning to question everything. Do I want to go to Dartmouth now? I think maybe. I really don’t know. Its so hard. I know, I know, welcome to the thing called life. Still, I’m seventeen. I don’t even feel seventeen, I feel like I shouldn’t be making these important decisions, I just want life to return to the way it was in my (wonderful) childhood: horse back riding, lizzie mcguire, and sleep. I miss sleep.

Ok, I think i’ve ranted enough. I’m not trying to throw a pity party, I just needed to get all my thoughts out there. Goodnight.

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